Apology-etics 101

Pause.

Think back to when you were a kid for a second.

Is there anything more basic that you learn than saying 'I'm sorry'? I can't really think of any right now. I mean, we definitely "learn" to say no quite early, but then again, that's more instinctual than learned.

Giving an apology is probably one of the most basic skills that kids are taught. It's also one of the most basic social skills that everyday life situations call for.

You know what the weird thing is? For a skill considered so basic, it is a skill that very few have mastered!

It's almost comic to see the bitter wars that ensue between family members and friends all because of a lack of a simple skill.

The apology.

It recently occurred to me in my own relationships just how practical a good apology is. It also occurred to me as to just how poor most people are at apologizing.
Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert by any means. I make bone-headed mistakes and mess up apologies every day. It's hard to be good at apologizing.

What I am about to propose to you is nothing more than some simple conflict soothing keys from watching those wiser than me. What I would ask of you is that you take a second to humble yourself, realizing that you may be bad at apologizing. If you are, it's ok! Most people are bad at this, but you can greatly improve yourself and the quality of your relationships if you open yourself to this.

Here are four simple keys I have picked up on how to give a good apology:

Key #1 The Apology is Not About You!!!!

I put four exclamation points in front of the last sentence for a reason! This is the most important key by far! So often, the place we go wrong is in the blueprints of our apology, often without even realizing it. 

If an apology is geared towards the other person, they should be able to say these qualities in reference to our apologies: Humble, concerned, sympathetic, empathetic, genuine, gentle, 

Does that sound like us? If not, I would suggest that is probably because we're often more concerned about saving face than we are about the other persons feelings. 

Harsh? Yep, but probably true (remember, humility).

Key #2 Don't Be Defensive

Remember, this apology is not about you, so you don't even have to concern yourself with self defense. What a relief, right? Ok, it's probably not your favorite thing to sit there and take jabs from the other person, but it is KEY to winning them over!

Because a good apology is not focused on oneself, it should be more focused on the state and feelings of the other person. If we are more concerned with their feelings than our own, we've already almost won the battle! which brings me to the next key.

Key #3 Identify the Emotions That They Are Feeling

I would guess that out of all of the keys I will suggest, this one is the most overlooked. Often times when we apologize, especially when we have a hard time naming the offense, the apology crashes and burns.

Here's where this all important key comes in. 

When apologizing, especially when we don't understand why we are wrong, we need to try and identify exactly what they are feeling. This can be tough, no question, but if we can identify the emotion of the other person, the apology will not only be more effective but we will communicate to the other person that they are important to us.

Let me see if I can give you an example to give this legs.

Bob is 10 minutes late for a date with his wife, Amy. She is absolutely furious with him to the point of tears. Bob has no idea what to do, until he remembers this key.

In an instant, Bob tries to identify several distinct feelings that his wife may have. She may be feeling that Bob is not excited for her date like she was. Obviously, if he was, he would showed it by showing up on time. Amy also may feel that she is not a priority. Bob then understands that Amy feels undervalued.

Bob then takes the time to apologize in a manner something like this: "I am so sorry that I made you feel like I didn't value you. I value you and your time more than you could imagine! Would you please forgive me for making you feel this way?"

With this simple apology, Bob has shown his wife that not only does he understand how she is feeling, but that he really does care about her enough to humble himself.

WIN! Big win!

I admit that it isn't easy, but if you can train yourself to identify the other person's emotions and apologize for the way you've made them feel, it will go a long long way!

#4 Don't Rush

By now I think you're probably catching on to a pattern here. Apologies are all about showing that you value the other person. They're about mending a relationship.

One easy way to show someone that you don't value them is by rushing your apology. If you choose to apologize quickly and walk away, or if you choose not to hear them out following your apology, than every effort you've given has been wasted.

Take the time to get an understanding of what they're feeling. Make sure you apologize for everything that they are offended about. Show them that you care enough to take some time to make things right.

If you can learn to do all four of these things successfully, you will have healthy, long-lasting relationships. I know that these things aren't easy to read, and they're a lot less easy in practice, but they are invaluable life skills that will greatly enhance life's quality.

Tell you what. Don't take my word for it. Give these steps one week to test out and see how they work.

Don't read this and neglect to do anything. Take an action step!

Your close ones will thank you!

Litmus Test

Have you ever had a moment where you really feel like you know something, only to have your world flipped upside down as that something you thought you knew slips out from under you like a sheet of ice? 

Welcome to my weekend

What was that something that I was so wrong about? For the last couple of years up until now, I thought I had an understanding of what I considered a basic concept: Love.

Now you probably think you know where I'm going with this, but hold your judgments for a second. 

You see, I'm not even talking about Marital love, as my lack of experience would clearly dictate misgivings. I'm talking about love for others. Easy right? At least, easy to understand, although maybe hard in practice. 


Wrong. Well, maybe not all wrong, but missing. Definitely missing. At least, for me it was.

Let's take a moment to compare our views, shall we? To me, love was something that could only be displayed as a selfless act. Love was doing unto others what I would want done for myself. 

Unselfish, caring, kind, focused, serving. Love was giving to others. Love was being there for people through tough times. Love was choosing to forgive the offense of others.

Unfortunately, though all of these definitions are characteristics of real love, I missed the point. There is a sort of litmus test for love. Real love, that is. For me, it all came down to this one, simple question:

Do I experience pain when I look back to the cross on which Jesus Christ suffered and died for me?

I think it was at this point when the rug was yanked out from under me. Ouch! 

Uhh... I don't know.. You could have asked me so many other questions that I would answer yes to. Do you love Jesus? Yes. Is he important to you? Yes. What does the cross mean to you? Everything.

Do you still feel pain when you think of the pain that Christ suffered for you? ......no. Wow!

Have you caught the gist of test yet?  No? Well here it is. 

If I am not willing to experience the pain of others myself, I cannot truly love... If I have not opened myself to feeling the pain that Christ had for ME, how on earth will I be able to experience the pain of others?

The answer? I can't.

In an instant, everything I thought I understood about love stood on its head.This weekend, I had a chance to help out with an organization called Samaritan's Feet in Joplin, MO with an outreach focused on washing the feet of those in poverty and giving them new shoes. Now, that may sound a bit weird, but if it was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for me.

Anyway, it was here that the previously discussed truth became real… in the eyes of a little girl named Diamond. Only seven years old. Completely innocent. She was precious. As I was washing this little girl's feet, I asked her what her family situation was like. To hear her tell me of the multiple foster homes she has lived in and will continue to live in, to hear her speak with uncertainty of her real family and their whereabouts, heartbreaking.

And for the first time since having my previous revelation, I understood the choice it takes to let somebody into your heart. It is a conscious effort to remove the comfortable guard that we often have around our hearts to let her in. 

The sad thing is, Diamond's story isn't even uncommon! 

There are probably people that you know and/or are close to that have these stories. If we have never taken the time to feel pain, can we really say we love?

Hmmm... Well, it seems I've reached my conclusion, though you will have to come to terms with your own decision.

Here is my suggestion to you. Take this litmus test seriously. Do you really know what it means to love? Really?.... What do you feel when you think about the man who was tortured and killed for your sake? What about when you hear of other peoples' hurts?

Now don't get me wrong, love requires action!!! If you feel what I've been describing but never do anything about it, then you're just as lost as those who don’t open their hearts! What I am getting at is that love goes deeper than just surface actions. Love hurts. There is no way around it.

The question now lingers, hanging in the air. Do you know what it means to love?

New Fear's Resolution

Stress.  Fear.  Worry.  Anxiety.

Call it what you will, but chances are that it is probably affecting your daily life in some way.  Family life, relationships, grades, financial situations, health conditions, work, the future. Even just reading one of the previous words may have caused your blood pressure to rise a bit. Entire weeks are often ruined by stresses and fears that arise from everyday life.

The worst part is that stress will often build a home for itself in a person’s false sense of responsibility.

It may be a common thought to think that stress is natural for those who take their lives and responsibilities seriously, and in a sense, fear is natural, but it is by no means Biblical! Fear (or stress) is the opposite of faith. When we choose to worry about something (and it is a choice), we choose not to truly believe that God will handle our problems for us.

In case you’ve forgotten, let me give you a gentle reminder:

We serve the God that created the universe in a single word!! The very mention of his name can raise the dead! There is no power in existence that can even compare to the God we serve.

I want to challenge you this new year, make a resolution to put your trust in God instead of fear. Leave your stresses with the God who is able to do far beyond what we can ask or imagine. Yes, it is hard, but it’s not impossible. It just takes a conscious decision. So take a moment. Breathe. Make a choice to put what is already out of your hands into God’s.